A Note from Heidi - A marriage for keeps
By Heidi Wilson
This morning as I was getting ready for work God spoke to me and laid on my heart that I had a word I needed to share. You see it’s a sensitive subject to many but one that I feel I need to speak about. Let me start by prefacing that I am NOT a gifted writer. There will be many grammatical errors so just overlook those now. Let me also say I am NOT a marriage counselor or expert but I do feel that because of my personal experiences I can help someone who is seeking answers on how to enjoy a healthy relationship that is on fire with love & passion even after 16 years(and that’s no lie).
I am a woman, a wife, and a mother. As I enjoyed a little time with my husband this morning I realized how thankful I am for the relationship I have with this man I get to call my husband. That title is not a title to be taken lightly or for granted. I am always very careful to say God blessed me with anything but I can truly say God has blessed our marriage. Not because we are special. Not because we are perfect. But because we strive to seek Him first then make sure our marriage is our first priority under our relationship with God.
As a kids minister, I have been given the opportunity to have many conversations with some of my sweet moms. Moms with kids all ages and So often I hear them say…. I love my husband but my kids take up our time. Our kids are our priority. Our kids and their events are whats important to us. Let me tell you in as much love as I can type…..You are WRONG!!! Your relationship will never succeed unless you change your priorities.
Our kids are important. God has entrusted them to us to raise them in his knowledge. But we are failing if they get our complete attention while our marriages suffer. Your children need to see a healthy marriage. They need to see love. Even if it grosses them out sometimes hehe. Moms it’s OK for your children to understand that they are not first priority in your life. In turn if you teach them where they line up in what is the most important you are doing them a huge favor on how they will one day treat their spouses.
Ladies your husbands need to know the importance they have in your life. They need to hear the words of affirmation. But not only words they need to feell the words of affirmation in your actions. I get it we all are exhausted by the end of the day from taking care of our kids. However there’s many simple things you can do to continue that spark that every marriage needs. I thought I would share a few tips that might be helpful.
- Pray above all things! First and foremost shower your marriage with prayer and devotion every single day. Pray together with your spouse but also have intimate time with God daily praying FOR your spouse. Pray for protection as well as strength. For so long I poured so much into my husband and I realized I had made him my top priority. I had to back away and fall in love with Jesus over again and only at that point was I able to truly love my husband with everything I had.
- DATE YOUR SPOUSE!!!!I cannot emphasize this enough… Get dressed up, make dinner plans, even if you have to call your kids minister to babysit your kids. We have date night at least once a month & lunch or breakfast dates weekly. Don’t have a babysitter that’s OK… if your kids are old enough, Put a movie on in one room and tell your kids you’ll be in the next room enjoying an in home date night! Or stay up one night a week (even if it takes lots of caffeine) and watch a movie with your hubby after you get the kids in bed.
- Take care: Ladies men are visual so take care of yourself. If your spouse works outside of the home make an effort to spruce yourself up a little bit each night so when he comes home so that he’s not meeting a ragged exhausted mom but rather is welcomed by a woman who loves him and is trying to give him her best. Ladies this one is important because majority of men are in work places where there’s lots of ladies. When they come home to a spouse in their pajamas & unwashed hair on a daily basis it’s very easy for them, because they’re (men) visual to begin to have feelings of longing for something else.
- Be romantic!!! Although this is something most women love not all man are romantic people so don’t always expect something in return. Send love notes in your husbands lunchbox. Random love text through the day can really speaks volumes. Write a love note on your husband‘s pillow. By his favorite candy bar and leave it by the coffee pot for him to receive in the morning when he wakes up. Be creative but also MAKE TIME TO BE INTIMATE!!! While intimacy can look many different ways its super duper important that you share intimacy in all ways. From love notes, to pillow talks, to love making with your spouse. MAKE it happen because ladies truth is if you don’t give them intimacy there are many ladies out there on the prowl willing to give it to them. Don’t let that happen!
- Affection is affirmation.Get in the habit of kissing each other before either of you leave home. My husband works in the basement now but he always kisses me every single morning before he goes to work. We NEVER leave home without a kiss and those times are so very dear to my heart.
- Be careful of the company you keep!While friendship is wonderful, going out on a regular basis with friends can be dangerous. No I’m not talking going out for dinner with a girlfriend or going shopping. I’m talking weekly night outs with ladies. It’s very easy to get caught up in that lifestyle and can only lead to destruction. It’s also very important that when you have marital problems you do not discuss this with ladies who are having similar marital problems or those going through messy relationships at the time. You will be told exactly what your ears want to hear for an easy fix. But it’s not a God fix.
- Listen & Live life together!Take an interest in what your husband says. I know sometimes we may have zero interest in hearing about their work or business opportunities that happen during their day but that’s important to them to share with you. We often say our husbands never listen to us but women are just as guilty. Its also important to find a way to love the things they love. For instance I am a city girl but it was really important to my husband years ago that I understand his love for hunting and so I got involved in the sport. Its amazing the experiences we have had together from just that and he LOVES taking every chance he can to brag about meJ
- Guard your heart!Ladies what do you watch on TV? What kind of books are you pouring into your mind? What music do you listen to? Ask yourself is this something that will help my marriage or make me have more expectations of a unbiblical ideas about love. Many of these things are fanaticized, made up , and unrealistic and they CAN destroy your union.
- Parent together!!!! This does not mean you say “wait till your daddy gets home”. And as soon as they walk in the door we bombard them with discipline issues they need to take care of from your children. We have a rule at our house if our sons have disciplinary issues while they’re in front of me I handle the issues then. And vice versa. Support each other( unless it’s an abusive situation) when disciplining your kids. Children will quickly know how to play one parent or the other so it’s so important to be on the same page.
- Live as ONE!!From worship to home we should live as one body. As we are commanded in Mark 10:7-8 “Therefore a man shall leave his mother and father and hold fast to his wife and the two will become ONE FLESH!!” Its very easy to get caught up in you do your thing and I will do mine but that’s a direct defiance of what Gods desire is for a husband & wife. We are in this together and meant to be ONE!
Ladies I’m not asking you to be Stepford wives. I’m asking you to be a faithful loving servant of God. We are called to be helpmates. In Genesis 2:18 it says “ Then the Lord God said it is not good that a man should be alone. I will make him a HELPER fit for him.“ We were created to be a helper that is what I want to urge you to do daily.
Marriage is hard! Marriage is tricky! Its not always candlelight & roses. But it’s also the greatest joy that I have been given besides my salvation.
I mess up often. I have many annoying habits like most of us. I can be a bit obsessively jealous at times, I tend to keep a messy car that truly bugs my husband. But he has a few things as well that drive me insane. We ARENT perfect people but we serve a PERFECT God together and we BOTH have committed to follow our Heavenly Fathers guide and keep our marriage set on the firm foundation from HIS ROCK!!!My desire is that you as well will strive to build your marriage on the ROCK because it will NEVER crumble.